RWBY does Mock the Week
by MadmanRoberto123
Summary: A one-shot where 6 characters from RWBY attempt an episode of Mock the Week. No offense is intended by the jokes in this, I'm just repeating "golden" moments on the show.
**A/N: I'm going to hell for writing this. But I'm going to say that no offence is intended by me repeating the jokes said on MTW, and I apologize to anyone who is offended. But if you wish to know, here are the characters and who they take the place of on the show:**

 **Adam - Frankie Boyle**

 **Ryan - Hugh Dennis**

 **Yang - Hugh's team guest**

 **Nora - Andy Parsons**

 **Ruby - Andy's team guest**

 **Jaune - Russell Howard**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

 **RWBY does Mock the Week**

The past few years had been great for Adam and his friends, Ryan, Yang, Nora, Ruby and Jaune; they had toured the world on their many successful and popular comedy tours. They had chosen the path of comedians due to them loving to make each other, and other people, laugh. Their relationship ran deeper than most, as they treated each other not as friends or colleagues, but as family. This bond helped them through most hard times, and also helped then to come up with new material to make people laugh.

* * *

Each member of the group had a different style of comedy; Adam was the darker, more controversial of the group, whilst Ryan was always the best at improv, second only to Ruby, who could always come up with completely new ways to make even an everyday story, such as simply cooking dinner, seem hilarious. Yang could make a pun out of almost anything, and Nora and Jaune were just drop dead funny, plain and simple. They didn't need to be good at any specific category of comedy, as anything they said was comedy gold.

* * *

One day, while watching a repeat of one of their first shows on television, they heard their front door's letterbox slap shut in the middle of one of Adam's jokes; "Do you think hostages in videos should be a little bit cheekier? Some guy who's about to get his head chopped off with a sword, just looks back and goes, "Short, back and sides,please, big man!"" The resounding laughter and applause from the show's audience almost drowned out the sound of the letterbox, but Adam definitely heard it, and went out into the hallway to fetch the letter which was addressed to "The Beacons", which was the name for their comedy group, which caused Adam to groan slightly. Walking back into the living room, he held it up and said, "We got a letter!" This caused everyone to stop what they were doing, Yang muting and pausing the TV so the noise didn't disturb them. "Well, what are you waiting for, Adam? Open it!" Ruby said excitedly, Adam simply grabbing a letter opener and cutting open the envelope in response. Inside was a sheet of paper, along with 6 pieces of plastic attached to pieces of velvet.

* * *

Pulling out the paper, Adam cleared his throat and read aloud:

 _Dear The Beacons,_

 _Due to being a massive fan of your comedy tours, I would like to invite you to appear on a very special episode of "Mock the Week". Should you accept this offer, my contact details are at the end of this letter. Enclosed are the passes you will need to enter the studio, as security will not let you enter without them. Please contact me back as soon as possible._

 _From, Dara O'Briain, Host of Mock the Week_

* * *

Adam looked down to the bottom of the letter, and sure enough, there was a phone number and an email address to contact Dara on. Looking back up, he saw the rest of the group looking either flummoxed, in the case of Ryan and Jaune, or smiling like a Cheshire cat, like Yang, Ruby and Nora. Adam, personally, wanted to participate, as he had watched "Mock the Week" for years and had always wanted to be included in an episode. The show had actually inspired him to become a comedian, and without it, Adam wouldn't have made such wonderful friends such as those that sat in front of him now. Taking a breath, he asked his group, "Well, what do you think?" Ruby simply replied with, "I think we should do it. I mean, when are you going to get a chance to go on "Mock the Week" again, right?", everyone nodding in agreement. Suddenly, Adam saw Ryan and Jaune look at each other, confused. "Oh, that's right. You don't know what the show's about, do you? Well to put it bluntly, you sit around and take the piss out of the latest news stories, trying to make the audience laugh."he said, Ryan and Jaune let out an "Ohhh!"of recognisation each, as they recalled the time the 6 of them sat and watched an episode or two of the show. "Well, we doing it?"Yang asked, nearly jumping up and down in excitement. Taking a look round, and noticing his friends smiling, Adam turned to her and said, "Seems like it!" With that, he walked to the telephone they shared in the house, and dialled in the number on the letter. "Hello, is this Dara O'Briain I'm speaking to? Alright. I'm Adam Robertson, from the Beacons. We'd like to give you an answer to the invitation..."

* * *

 **1 week later...**

A week later, and The Beacons were sat in the studio of "Mock the Week", as the show prepared to start. The 6 of them were split into two teams; Adam, Ryan and Yang on one team, and Ruby, Jaune and Nora on the other. Dara was standing on a part of the stage away from the desk they were all sitting at, preparing to address the live audience in the studio. Looking back at his friends, Adam noticed that Ruby was shaking a little bit, so he got out of his chair and walked to the opposite desk, where she sat, and asked, "You Ok?", receiving a "Yep. I'm just nervous I'll make a fool of myself."in response. "This caused Adam to laugh a little bit. "Ruby, we make a fool of ourselves every time we do a show. Just do what you're best at. Trust me!"He said, smiling. This seemed to cheer her up slightly and she nodded, smiling while she did so.

Adam noticed that the timer before the show went live was in it's last fifteen seconds, so he dashed back to his chair, and took his place before the theme song for the show started to play. As it finished, the spotlight went to Dara, who spoke to the crowd after the initial applause died down. "Hello, and welcome to Mock the Week! I'm your host, Dara O'Briain, and today, I'm joined by some very special guests. Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the show, The Beacons!"the host said, the crowd going wild at the Beacon's introduction.

* * *

The camera quickly showed the faces of each member, each of them smiling and waving at the camera, before the shot was reverted back to Dara, who continued on to his seat, stating, He said, the audience laughing at his joke, as he took his seat at the middle of the desk. "Now, on my left side, you'll see the team consisting of Adam Robertson, Ryan Clougherty and Yang Xiao Long! And on my right, you'll see the team consisting of Nora Valkyrie, Ruby Rose and Jaune Arc! Those are the teams, now let's start with the show!"he said.

* * *

"The first round is a game called "Headliners", where I show the contestants a picture from a news report, along with the initials of the headline, and they have to guess what it is. Now here's the picture..."Dara said, pressing a button on his desk, causing a picture to appear on a giant projector screen behind Adam, so the audience could see it, and also on miniature screens on the competitor's desks. It was a picture of a sickly man being wheeled into an emergency ward by two nurses. "...But what does T.F.H.C. stand for?"Dara asked the group, who immediately went to try and make jokes about it, as was the norm on the show.

* * *

Yang was the first to answer. "Is it, Tired Fatty Has Cardiac?", she asked, causing a laugh to erupt from the audience, which spurred Adam on to one-up Yang's answer, as they always tried to do to each other on their comedy tours. "Is it: This Fucker Has Cancer?"causing the audience to laugh even more than they did for Yang. This caused Ryan to pipe up, "Is it: This Fucker Has Chlamydia?", with the audience continuing to laugh. Dara could simply shake his head to all 3 answers, and reply, "The 3 first words aren't "This Fucker Has..., alright?", while trying to keep a straight face, and failing. Nora then decided to have a go, and said, "Is it then: That Fucker Has Cancer?", thinking that changing the first word would make the answer correct, all the while knowing she was nowhere close.

"Is it: "This Fucking Hospital's Crap?"Ruby then piped up, following the laughter that Nora managed to create, succeeding in adding more to the mix. "That Fool has Chlamydia!"Ryan shouted, seeing a possible chance to get more laughs for his team, and succeeding. "Alright, the "T" stands for "Tories", Dara said, in an attempt to guide them in the right direction. They went silent for a moment, trying to come up with new jokes to fit the letters, before Ryan tried again. "Tories..."he started, only to be interrupted by Nora, with "Fucking Hardworking Cunts!"finishing the sentence he had started with an ending of her own making. This resulted in a huge amount of laughs from the audience, as Dara tried to hear Ryan's answer, only for Jaune to attempt a joke, with, "Tories Fuck Hospitals..."before he was cut off by Dara shouting, "Stop saying "Fuck!" The "F" doesn't stand for "Fuck"!", while laughing at the same time. This caused everyone in the room to laugh, as they had managed to make Dara draw a limit on the amount of times they could swear in the show. Not that it mattered, it would be forgotten about by the end. Adam decided to really take the piss and said, "Is it:Two Fat Hairy Cocks?" Dara simply looked at him, before bursting out laughing, whilst managing to say, "It's not Two Fat Hairy Cocks!" After this, Ryan decided to move things along and said, "Alright, alright. Is it not: Tories Face Hospital Cuts?", Dara replying, "Yes it is, Ryan, it is "Tories Face Hospital Cuts", due to the NHS having a problem with money right now. Hopefully, they can get it worked out. But for that round, the points go to Adam, Ryan and Yang!", the audience applauding the winning team.

* * *

"The next round is called "Wheel of Topics", which is for Adam, Yang, Ruby and Nora, so if you could make your way over to the performance area."Dara said, motioning towards the area of the stage he started the show on earlier. As the designated comedians got up, Dara started to explain the rules of the game to the viewers:"In this round, we test our comedians talent for stand up. I will spin the wheel, it will land on a topic, and a comedian will step forward and attempt to make us laugh." Linking to the performance area, he saw the comedians were in place, and so he continued, saying, "Alright, let's spin the wheel!", before pressing a button on his desk.

The giant screen in between the two steps the contestants were standing on had a spinning wheel of pictures on it, before the wheel stopped on a picture of a hamburger. "Alright the first topic is "Food", who wants to come in?" Adam heard Dara ask, before suddenly being hit with a great bunch of jokes on the subject. He stepped off the step, and headed toward the microphone in front of him. "Adam!" Dara said, confirming who had went forward. "Ah well, I'm full of opinions about Food!"Adam said cockily, gaining a few laughs as he detached the mic from its stand.

"Ok now..."he started, moving the stand to the side so he wouldn't bump into it. "Here you go... children are fat, because we lie to them about vegetables, but we don't go far enough. Eat your spinach, it'll make you strong. These will help you see in the dark. You've left your sprouts behind, you won't be shitting laser beams tomorrow!" His last joke had the entire room, his friends included, buckled in laughter. But he wasn't done. "You want to project the Batsignal out your willy?"he said, nearly bursting out laughing at his own joke. He stood back up from his hunched over position and said, "Don't know where that bit came from. I'd love to project the Batsignal out my willy! I suppose Batman'd be quite annoyed when he turned up. What seems to be the trouble? I've had too many sprouts, Batman! I can't turn it off!" He said, sniggering again at his joke. He then decided to add in one last joke. "I was given a recipe book for Roadkill. Yeah, I went and got some roadkill, and I followed the recipe, and it was delicious! I still don't know what to do with its bike!"he rounded off, causing the audience to burst out laughing, while he put the mic back into the stand and moved it back to the centre of the stage. "Thanks very much, Adam Robertson!" Dara said, as Adam took his place beside Yang to uproaring applause from the audience.

* * *

"Alright, let's spin the wheel again!"Dara stated, pressing the button again. The pictures spun again, until it landed on a picture of a primary school classroom. "The next topic is"School". Who wants to go in?" Dara asked, Ruby immediately heading towards the mic. "Ruby!"Dara said, to confirm who went up.

"I'll see what I can do! Okay school, school..."Ruby said, rattling around in her head for jokes. Finally, she landed on a good joke. "Hah, got it! Okay, so a few years ago, my class was sitting in Mathematics, can't remember what the teacher was teaching us at the time, and we were doing the work the teacher had set us, and it required a calculator in some places. Now there was a girl, Coco, I think her name was, whose calculator wasn't working, so she spent the majority of the class slamming it off the table to make it work. This went on for at least 15 minutes before the teacher looked up and went, "COCO! HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I BANGED YOU AGAINST A DESK? And you're like...urrrrgh! That is not something you want to hear the class before lunch!"she finished her first joke, then immediately went into her second one after the laughter from her first had died down.

"To make the day even better, I even managed to poke a hole in a teacher's explanation of a topic. Now, after the lunch that was directly after that Maths period, my class had Biology, and the teacher spent a fair amount of time on the lenses in the eye. She said that "if there is a low light, the eyes can only see gray and black." And I thought, "This is a brilliant joke opportunity...". So I went up to her as everyone was packing up, and went, "Miss?" She answered me, went, "Yes, Ruby?" and I replied with, "You know how you said that you only see gray and black in low light?" She nodded, saying "Yes...", so I simply went, "Would that be how I can always see Scotland in gray, due to the weather being so bad?" And the worst part is, she took it seriously! I told my Mum the same thing later when I got home, same fucking reaction! The first people who I made laugh with the joke are standing behind me right now! They laughed at the joke, at lunch the day after I came up with it!"Ruby finished, the audience applauding and laughing again at her joke, though not as much as they did for her first. With that, Ruby walked back to the step next to Nora, as Dara said, "Thanks very much, Ruby Rose!"

* * *

"Alright, that leaves us with Yang, and Nora! Let's spin the wheel!"Dara said, the wheel landing on a picture of a fox. "Alright, the subject is "Animals", who's going in? Nora!"Dara said, as the red haired girl skipped to the mic and removed it from the stand.

"Okay, Animals...ah, I've got it! I went on a march to protest against fox hunting last year. I'm neither for it or against it, I just quite love watching posh people getting beaten up! I know it's wrong, but if you can find me a more glorious sound than TONK, BRRR! Then I'll happily listen!"she started, which caused the audience to begin laughing once again. "It's nothing special, you're just laughing at someone who's richer than you getting tonked! But we all have that part of our brains where we find stuff like that funny. It's probably the same thing where we find the idea of going to an old folks home dressed as Death a little bit amusing. I would never do it, but I'd giggle if I saw it! Anyways, back to foxes!"she said, causing the audience to buckle once again. "Now, the justifications that posh people give for fox hunting are amazing."she continued, putting on one of her famous funny voices for her next lines. "If we didn't chase the foxes, the entire country would be overpopulated by foxes. Is that what you want? Some hideous "Land of the Foxes"? Me, unable to leave my house, for fear of a fox wandering up to me and stabbing me in the gizzards? Is that what you want? Is that what you desire? Fox upon fox, prowling along my paddock, flicking the Vs at me, walking hand in hand with asylum seekers, is that what you want? A darkie riding a fox on MY property, on its way to violate my mildreds! And you're like Whoa! Someone needs to stop reading the Daily Express!"she finished, not seeming to notice that every person in the room was howling with laughter. She simply replaced the mic on the stand, and walked back to her place beside Ruby.

* * *

"Thanks very much, Nora Valkyrie!" Dara said, after he had recovered from the laughing fit he had just experienced. "Now, our only person left is Yang, so let's spin the wheel!"He said, the wheel stopping on a picture of a happy family. "Your subject is "Family". Show us what you've got!"he stated, while Yang walked to the mic and detached it from the stand.

"Alright, so my mum recently bought a hot tub. Now I don't know if you know this, but it's quite exciting when your mum buys a hot tub, she puts it at the bottom of the garden, you get quite giddy. Then, you're in it, and you realize, after about a minute, you're actually just outside having a bath with your mum. Now, I've got a slightly lazy eye, so my mum goes, "Are you looking at my thighs?" And I go, "No!" She made me put an eye patch on, there's nothing bleaker! People are just driving past our house, going "What's that old woman doing in a bath outside with a pirate?" It gets weirder, my dad jumped in, my sister jumped in, and Zwei, our family dog, leapt into the pool. Now we're all sitting around the edge, like really British, terrified, we're all naked, Zwei's just going around in circles, having the time of his life! And my mum just chose this moment to embarrass us, she looked up and went, "Guess what everyone in this hot tub's got in common!" I don't know mum, what?"she started, before starting a sequence of slapping the side of her face then moving her arm round in a circle, before slapping herself again. "That's the dog hitting me right? My mum looked up and went, "Everyone in this hot tub has sucked my tits!" As the audience started laughing in hysteria, Yang mined her dog swimming around in a circle, before talking again. "There's still a dog in here! Is that why dad dresses up as a dog, you killing the family? Sorry, Mum, but you did say it!"she said, pointing towards a camera, before replacing the mic and walking back beside Adam, amidst the laughter that had been present throughout her joke.

* * *

"Ok, at the end of that round, the points go to Nora Valkyrie and Ruby Rose!"Dara said, which caused the audience to applaud for the pair of girls. Even Adam and Yang decided to show they were good sports by applauding their opponents, as they all sat back down at their desks.

* * *

"Alright, since that took so long, we're going to skip the traditional "If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question? round, and go straight into our final quick-fire round called "Scenes We'd Like To See". This is for everyone, so if you could all make your way over to the performance area."he said, as every contestant rose from their desks and walked to stand at the performance area. "I call out ideas for scenarios we'd love to see, and the performers come back in with their suggestions. Alright the first topic is... "Things you don't want to hear from your flatmate."he said, as Adam walked to the mic.

"That's my milk in the fridge. I squeeze it out of my tits with a vice!"Adam said, causing the laughter from the audience to start up again, before walking back to the step. As the buzzer sounded, and Jaune stepped forward. "No we can't share the electricity bill! I've got a phone charger and a laptop, and you're on a life support machine!"was the quip he came up with, resulting in the laughter continuing. As he walked back, Yang went forward and stated, "I'd give it five minutes in the toilet if I where you, that one could talk!", causing the crowd to laugh even more.

Each person who went up next always succeeded in making the laughter level rise, with Ruby saying, "My last flat was just like Friends. Have you seen the one where Joey kills everybody?", Nora saying, "There's only two of us, well three if you count God!", Ryan with, "Oh, a mister Jihad called. He says it's time!" & "Hey, you said there wasn't enough room to swing a cat, look at this. SCREEE! Loads of room!", Adam with, "Well, if you don't think I'm a nosey bastard, why'd you write that in your diary?", along with, "Ok, there's one certain way to find out who ate my "yoghurt", an AIDS test!", and Yang with, "He sleeps in the bed with us, Ok? Don't make me choose between you and the wolf!" And, with a final "I don't see why I should pay for half the loo roll when I never use any!"from Adam, Dara decided to change the topic.

* * *

"Ok, the next topic is..."Unlikely things to read on a packet!"

Ruby was the first to the mic this time, saying, "Ragoo sauce. If you gave this to someone who is actually from Italy, they'd punch you in the face!", followed by Ryan, with "To open: push down tab, break tab, swear repeatedly, STAB WITH A PAIR OF SCISSORS!"Jaune went up after him with, "Serves four, ya greedy bastard! Now put some of that back!" After that, the ever present laughter of the audience only grew, as Adam said, "Viagra are proud sponsors of Andy Murray. For people who can only ever achieve a semi", Nora following him with, "Serving suggestion: on a plate, you thick moron!"

As Nora took her place again, Jaune went up again, this time saying, "Cup-A-Soup. Just add soup." He was followed by Yang, who said, "To get fish, break the ice, jump the checkout, and run!" Adam then decided to go up again, with his joke of, "Because some nights are best forgotten. Rohypnol!" As the laughter for the past few jokes ran down, Ruby went forward with "Careful! Due a recent infestation of rats, we've coated the packets in a dangerous rat toxin. Please do not let your bare skin touch the packets!" As she walked back to her place, Dara said, "Ok, at the end of that round, the points go to Nora, Ruby and Jaune!" With that, the contestants headed back to their desks for the final time.

"Alright, so at the end of the show, the winners of this episode are: Nora Valkyrie, Ruby Rose, and Jaune Arc!" The entire room was filled with applause from the audience for the winning trio. "And let's not forget our gracious runners up, Adam Robertson, Ryan Clougherty and Yang Xiao Long!" There was also a lot of applause for Adam's team as well, seeing as how both teams had been almost neck and neck the whole show. "Thanks very much for watching Mock The Week. Until next time, goodbye!" With that, the audience's applause ended the show.

* * *

After Dara had made sure the cameras were finished rolling, and the audience had filed out, he turned to the Beacons, who were getting into their jackets, ready to head back home. "Well, I must say, guys, I thought I had heard it all from you, but it seems I was mistaken!"He said, reaching forward to shake each of the member's hands. "I hope you will take the time to appear again on the show from time to time! I'm sure the audience would love it!"He continued, the Beacons simply smiling, but shaking his hand to be polite. "Well, no guarantees, but we'll see what we can do!"Adam said. "Well, we must be getting home. It's Ruby's turn to cook, and trust us, we don't want to miss that!"Jaune piped up, which caused a huge argument to break out between him & Ruby, who was adamant it was his turn, while Jaune was backed up by the rest of the Beacons, Ruby was all but defeated. To avoid further humiliation, she stomped off to the group's car, and simply got into it, not saying a word.

Dara simply leant in towards Adam, and whispered to him, "Is she always like this?", to which Adam replied, "You have no idea..."

* * *

 **5 years later...**

"Ah, Yang!" Adam shouted, after losing yet another game of Cluedo to her, as she guessed the right combination of suspect, weapon and location, knocking both him and Ryan out of the game. "How are you so consistently good at this?"he said, breathing heavily a little. Just as he finished, the phone started to ring. "Wonder who that could be?"Ryan asked, before sliding his chair over to it, and seeing the familiar number, picked it up and said, "Hello Dara. How'd they do?", asking the question that had been on everyone's mind since they heard the latest episode of Mock The Week was going to feature their very own Ruby, Nora and Jaune. "Really? That's wonderful! Well, I'll see what the others think. Ok, goodbye!"He finished, putting the phone back and turning to the other two in the room with a smile on his face. "What did Dara want?"he asked, before grinning at the smile on his friend's face.

"How does another special episode sound?"was the simple question Ryan posed, just as Ruby, Nora and Jaune walked back in the front door and froze in their tracks.

The table was nearly flipped in their mad dash for the phone to give their enthusiastic reply.

* * *

 **A/N: As I said before, I already know I'm going to hell, so it's really go big or go home at this point! Again, no offense was intended, but feel free to leave your comments and say what you think. Also, I know the comedians played by each character necessarily said each of the jokes each character said in this, but I had to change it about, otherwise Jaune would barely ha e spoken. Anyway, I'm gonna go dig my own grave. Madman out!**


End file.
